Are Those Cabbage Leaves in Your Bra...Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

    Okay, so those of you who have children know that just because the child has exited your body does NOT mean you are out of the woods. On or about the third day after birth, you have "milk letdown". This is when your already large and bountiful breasts become even larger... and turn into cement blocks. If you have never given birth, you won't be able to comprehend how this feels. It is terribly uncomfortable, painful, and can sometimes cause a fever and infection. So, yesterday when I felt that all too familiar pang when I raised my arms...my stomach dropped. I was still getting over having my uterus pieced back together with stitches and staples, highly emotional about my son being put in NICU...Mother Nature...always right on time. So, when I got home I thought surely, surely there is a home remedy that will help me with this. I will not be allowed to breastfeed because I am on such high doses of blood pressure medicine. All I need is a way to get rid of this stuff quickly...by eating, drinking, slathering whatever tincture, tea, or root it takes. I'm just going to tell y'all. I love herbal medication. I am really starting to read things about using fruits and vegetables to cure certain medical problems, and ways to incorporate different foods in your diet to naturally make you healthy. This stuff works. I mean, if you're using all the medicine the doctor can prescribe, and neglecting your diet...what's the point? So, get this. I googled "Painful milk let-down natural remedy". Out of the millions of sites that came up...there was one word that stood out in nearly all of them. Cabbage. Good ol' stinky, leafy cabbage. Apparently, you take cabbage leaves, crush them in your hand, and place them all in your bra, covering the entire area. All these websites were so certain about this being a miracle remedy for this pain, and I was desperate. I was just getting in the door from the hospital...it was late. Do I really think Chris will go to the store for a cabbage? I get on the phone and call good ol' Mom. She calls my aunt and we end up with my sea-foam green ball of leafy euphoria. If anyone had been looking in on us that night, I'm really not sure what they would be thinking. You know what? I really don't care, though. For the next 8 hours those usually-stinky-and-unappealing-to-me green leaves did exactly what everyone promised. I woke up without a pain...no soreness, no hardness. I went to the kitchen, took those leaves out, and stuffed my bra to capacity again. My breasts are still as bountiful as they were before Jett, yet there is no pain whatsoever. I just felt like I needed to share my joy with the world.  I'm hoping someone will find this useful. If I can help another fellow woman put off at least one of the pains of childbirth, I've done my service to (wo)mankind for the day. Speaking of which, I need to get to all the housework and figure out what to cook for dinner. I'm feeling like maybe some...cabbage rolls? Tasty.

Eye of Newt, and Devil's Shoestring...

For the third (and last) time I will attempt to breastfeed a child I have brought into this world. Last night, I took down my half-full box of Mother's Milk Tea, which to the amazement of many, is NOT made from Mother's Milk. I actually think that would be illegal. It is actually full of bitter fennel fruit, anise, coriander, fenugreek, and blessed thistle. I bloody love this stuff. It makes me think of babies, and pancakes. Really. The fenugreek herb makes your sweat and breastmilk smell like maple syrup. So, I am one, giant, delicious, fluffy, walking flapjack. Last night I was reading up on the different herbal tinctures and teas that may help in my journey this time...and looks like something called Goat's Rue, is actually better than the other herbs. Scientifically Tephrosia Virginiana, also known as Devil's Shoestring, has also been proven to increase the SIZE of your breasts. Hallelujah. Not only will I be able to feed my child, I will be HOT while doing it!!! Now, where to find any...Anyone have any ideas as to how to kidnap Satan long enough for me to snip the laces off of his New Balance?

My Other Vehicle is a Broom...A G2.

Infomercials are so full of crap. I harbor such anger toward them because I ALWAYS fall for whatever it is they happen to be advertising. The latest one I fell for (almost ALL the way into buying it) was that LuminAire or whatever it's called. The one where you airbrush your face to perfection, resembling the faces on magazine covers. Yeah. Well, that's until I discovered the internet has a PLETHORA of information on all these products and the real dirt on them from dummies like me who buy this stuff. I read and read only to discover, to my dismay, that this makeup thing was indeed a load of crap. THEN, OH WAIT! I found something that took my frustration of infomercial marketing and products straight to the top of HOPE MOUNTAIN! I found a product I love and cannot live without. Ladies and gentleman, say hello to my little friend--TheG2 Swivel Sweeper . This little gem should be in every woman's house. If you are a mother, a wife, a pet owner...ANYONE...this will save your poor beat-up back a million times over. It is not a replacement for a vacuum...but at the end of every night, I once over all the area rugs while I am going over all the hardwood, and the rugs are picked up as well. It won't get the tiniest things like dust off of rugs and carpet, but it will certainly look like you've vacuumed it. I use it on wet food that Levi has dropped while in his high chair, cleaning up craft things like beads and playdoh from BK, and just to clean my hardwood in general as many times a day as I want. It is the easiest, most convenient cleaning tool I have ever used. My body is about to give birth to our second boy in less than a year. Dustpans make me nauseous. Thank you, Mom for my sweeper! If I could, I would buy every woman on earth one...and that's not a load of crap.

Taco Soooop and Chocolate Moooose

So, it turns out that Paula Deen's recipe for Taco Soup is off the chain. It was so good. I also bought this new box of cake mix called Chocolate Moose Decadence (or something like that), and it too turned out well. Last time I felt this good while pregnant, cooking big meals, thinking of a million things I needed to do, there was a baby in my arms within days. Let's hope he hangs on a bit longer. I am 34 weeks and 2 days today. Just for the sake of myself and the severe ADD I suffer from, I am going to post this Taco Soup recipe here so I won't lose it. A blog. I mean, I have needed this for SO long. Things I can write down and NEVER lose. A genius that blog creator is...

Taco Soup--Paula Deen Re-Mix

• 2 pounds ground beef
• 2 cups diced onions
• 2 (15 1/2-ounce) cans pinto beans
• 1 (15 1/2-ounce) can pink kidney beans
• 1 (15 1/4-ounce) can whole kernel corn, drained
• 1 (14 1/2-ounce) can Mexican-style stewed tomatoes
• 1 (14 1/2-ounce) can diced tomatoes
• 1 (14 1/2-ounce) can tomatoes with chiles
• 2 (4 1/2-ounce) cans diced green chiles
• 1 (4.6-ounce) can black olives, drained and sliced, optional
• 1/2 cup green olives, sliced, optional
• 1 (1 1/4-ounce) package taco seasoning mix
• 1 (1-ounce) package ranch salad dressing mix
• Corn chips, for serving
• Sour cream, for garnish
• Grated cheese, for garnish
• Chopped green onions, for garnish
• Pickled jalapenos, for garnish

Directions

Brown the ground beef and onions in a large skillet; drain the excess fat, then transfer the browned beef and onions to a largeslow cooker or a stockpot. Add the beans, corn, tomatoes, green chiles, black olives, green olives, taco seasoning, and ranch dressing mix, and cook in a slow cooker on low for 6 to 8 hours orsimmer over low heat for about 1 hour in a pot on the stove. To serve, place a few corn chips in each bowl and ladle soup over them. Top with sour cream, cheese, green onions and jalapenos.

We're All Mad Here...

As Emerson says, "A child is a curly, dimpled, lunatic." Around here, we have a house full of curly, dimpled lunacy on a regular basis. This is either directly or indirectly caused by our many children, and of course, by our own selves! I have had many friends tell me that I should have a blog about the goings on in our life. After some very eventful past weeks, I finally caved to the pressure. So, this blog is for me, for us, and for anyone who ever looks back at their lives wondering...is this normal...are we normal...am I normal? This is abnormality at its finest...and life to its fullest. I like to quote the Cheshire Cat when I think about our beautifully disastrous life. "We're all mad here...I'm mad, you're mad. You can't help that." So, just sit back and relax while the creek rises...